Looking Back

I recently (5 minutes ago) rediscovered my xanga and was reading through some posts. I realized a couple of things:

1) I wrote SO much better back then, probably due to 4 years of writing english/history essays, and now I haven't written a paper in over a year.

2) I had lots of dreams. Some came true, some didn't. Like how I was going to keep my long distance relationship going. Or how I was going to make amazing new friends at college whom I will be close to. Or how I was going to go to college with my best friend, and come out even better friends because of it, and yet, I barely see/hear from/talk to him now.

3) A lot of my views have changed. I thought going to college for God would get me an automatic in to the spiritual world. Or me "sacrificing" a better college (that's a lie) for Illinois and going to college for God would bring me on better terms with Him. Oh how naive I was. I think I thought I was so mature that I had it all figured out, when in reality, I have next to nothing figured out and didn't even know how to start figuring things out. I think I was more confused back then than I am now, which is progress I guess.

4) I've definitely changed. I was always looking for an easy way out, or a golden standard, or trying to put a positive spin on things. Now, I know some of the depths of my depravity. I've felt hatred turn into murder and lust turn into adultery. I've seen how deeply uncommitted I am to my God. But I've also seen that there is hope for me, hope that God gives from just being faithful. I've learned many things from CFC, about being a Christian.

Looking back, I see that God is good. In all the hard times, he was there. In all the good times, He was and is there. He wants the best for me, for me to experience maximum pleasure in Him, holding everything else back that could hinder me because He just loves me that much. Today I heard a sermon about Christmas and it's meaning. We make it out to be about presents and stress and decorating and partying. But it's really about "glory to God and peace and goodwill onto man". After thousands of years of man trying and failing to reach God, we thought we were goners. We thought God hated us. But Christmas is about God reaching down to us, something no other religion has, and making us know that we are valued and that He loves us. Looking back, I feel loved.